I will always be okay ;)
whatever, whatever and whatever....


haha you know?
sometimes it's not fair for me.
really really unfair.

when i got angry, it's not so hard for you to sorry and not hard for me to forgive you.
but see?
what happens in me?
you're getting angry to me.
and as usual, it wil be so <b>damn</b> hard for you to forgive me.
i know i'm wrong, it's my fault.
i know what i did was so fatal.
but i'm really sorry, i don't mean it.
i know i had hurt you, i had made you mad, disappoint, angry or whatever.


i don't mean to compare, but see to the past.
when you made some mistakes, was it hard for you to say sorry and then i forgave you even you did worse?
haha i know, NO.
it's not hard. it's easy dear :)
maybe sometimes i need to do the same as you do to me :")


whatever, i love you :")
i really need you to forgive me..


<b><i>i'm sorry my dear, i'm sorry...
forgive me.....</i></b>
22.33 | Category: | 0 komentar

i'm not that strong
if I am precious in your eyes?

aku gatau apakah aku ini berharga, berarti buat kamu.
aku hanya bisa terdiam, hanya bisa merenung, hanya bisa mengingat kembali yang udah kita lewati.
aku sedih, aku kecewa, aku terpuruk.
dalam dalam dan semakin dalam....

aku hanya ingin tau, seberapa berartinya aku ini di matamu?
aku lemah, aku gak sekuat itu.
aku rapuh, aku gak sekokoh itu.

aku mencoba memberikan segala yang telah aku punya, namun semuanya hanya sia-sia, percuma..

aku mencintaimu. sungguh.
aku menyayangimu. dengan sepenuh hatiku.
aku jaga rasa cinta ini, aku simpan rapi rasa sayang ini.
aku berharap kita bisa bersama selalu, dalam suka maupun duka.
aku berharap kita bisa bisa melewati smuanya bersama-sama.
itu sebabny aku selalu mengikuti setiap mau kamu.
baik aku tulus maupun terpaksa ngelakuinnya.
aku ngelakuin itu murni karna rasa sayangku ke kamu.
aku ingin kamu mengerti perjuanganku.
aku ingin kamu memahaminya. hanya itu.
 
aku tlah coba untuk memahamimu tapi kau tak peduli..

apakah memang aku terlahir untuk selalu terlihat salah di mata kamu?
apakah aku memang gak bisa menjadi sesuatu yang baik di mata kamu, di hadapan kamu?
aku hanya bisa diam, mengiyakan, mengalah, mengaku salah.
iya sayang. aku yang salah. aku yang selalu salah :")

aku tlah hancur lebih dari berkeping-keping, karna cintaku, karna rasaku yang tulus padamu..

bodoh. bodoh. bodoohhh!!!
memang aku bodoh kali, hahaha.
supaya apa coba mesti terpuruk demi cinta?
but that's me. itulah aku. aku ngelakuin hal bodoh itu.
aku bener-bener ngerasa down, sangat down.
aku pengen kamu mengerti gimana perasaanku.
hanya itu.
cukup sulitkah itu? atau sangat sulit ya?
mungkin memang iya ya. tp yasudahlah aku ga memaksa buat mengerti aku kok :)

 jujur aku tak sanggup, aku tak bisa, aku tak mampu, dan aku tertatih...

aku lemah, aku gak sekuat itu. mungkin memang iya aku terlihat kuat.
tapi siapa yang tau seperti apa aku sesungguhnya? siapa yang tau sebetapa rapuhnya aku? siapa?!
only me knows. oh no, i still don't even know. GOD, yes only Him knows that.
aku jatuh, aku jatuh. gak pernah sejatuh ini sebelumnya.
aku hampir menyerah. aku merasa semua sia-sia.
semua yang ku perjuangkan, semua yang ku usahakan, semua yang kulakukan,
semuanya sia-sia. ga berarti. ga bermakna. ga ada artinya.
kenapa aku selalu kurang di mataku? 
apalagi yang mesti ku berikan, ku lakukan supaya kamu percaya sayang ini tulus buat kamu, penuh buat kamu?
apalagi sayang? bilang aja, biar semua aku lakuin buat kamu.
aku gpp, aku baik-baik aja.
selama kamu percaya aku :)

begitu dalamnya terjatuh dalam kesalahan rasa ini...

aku gatau sampe kapan kita seperti ini.
menjalani hubungan yang seperti ini.
aku gatau sampe kapan aku bisa bertahan.
aku gatau apakah aku masih sanggup, apakah aku mampu. aku gatau.
aku cuman takut aku terlalu lemah untuk menanggung ini semua
aku takut kita ga sama-sama lagi nantinya.
aku sayang kali sama kamu, aku mencintaimu sangat.
lebay mungkin tapi itulah isi hatiku sepenuhnya.
aku ingin kamu mengerti itu.
aku gak sekuat yang kamu bayangkan, jaga hatiku baik-baik.
aku hanya gamau keadaan semakin memburuk.
aku hanya gamau kehilangan kamu.
masih terlalu panjang perjalanan kita ke depan yang mesti kita lewati.
apakah kita sangggup atau enggak, aku gatau.
satu hal yang ku harapkan kita bisa ngelewatin itu semua.
aku yakin sama kamu, aku percaya kamu. 
kamupun harus begitu ya :") {}

selamat tidur sayang, baik-baik ya disana.
mimpi indah. love you always {}

10.18 | Category: | 0 komentar

my worst MAY ever
my worst MAY ever? hahaha. why?

i don't know why but my life seems harder and harder and will be much harder day by day.
i wished for a better month on April, but what do i get?
now i am really really fall apart. i'm such a mess. i'm never be this worse before. i'm NOT OKAY!

:'( wanna cry wanna cry wanna cryyyyyyyy....
rasanya pengen nangis nangis nangis dan nangissssssssss aja kalo inget hari itu, inget kejadian itu, inget apa yang udah terjadi.
rasanya masih sedih aja, ga percaya aja, ga sanggup aja buat nerima keadaan itu,
ga sanggup ga terima sampe kapanpun :(


:"(



God, please save me... I'm not strong enough to hold these pains on ...
05.09 | Category: | 0 komentar

flashback :)
part three.

i was already homey at that afternoon. I got so tired and decided to sleep even it’s too late to take a nap hahaha. 2 hours sailed in my dreams i woke up. and just like others did, the first thing i checked was my phone. one new message? hmm it should be from my friends, from my college friends or from my shs friends. I opened the message and guess what? the message was from bang robert! i opened my eyes wider and made sure that i was not dreaming. and that was not a dream, he text me first!  i jumped from my bed and danced like dumb again -_- hahaha. i was totally happy, i didn’t know how to describe but i was really really happy. what on earth had happened and made him text me first? i didn’t remember what he said in his message, silly me -.- and of course i replied it. i was so happy. so damn happy!

okay short story, because i can’t tell you more. it was a long story if i told you from the start. but since that day, he always text me first. it could be in the morning, afternoon, evening or maybe at night. and i still tried to control myself not to show my feelings more. it’s his turn to notice me :p sometimes we had a phone call, until midnight hihihi. and i still remembered when i was sick, small pox, he was sooooo worried about me. he always asked me to drink my medicine, to take a rest and he didn’t allow me to get out with no jacket. it made me flowering >.< i never thought before that he would do it, he would so much worried about me, he would always text me first, he would always warn me to take a breakfast, lunch and dinner, he would always asked me to study and so many more. i never imagined it before! I already gave up and wanted to forget him and what happened next? he came to me in the next day and made my day much brighter than before in the next and next days. Thank you, Jesus :)

oh yeah, i had some nick names for him hahahahaha. such as: abang 5-3 (it came from a football match where we bet and he lost hahaha), bang lobettt (came from his name), gurita (because he called me “tentakel” then i called him it hahahaha). not only me, he also had some nick names for me such as: behel, tentakel and kura-kura (he said i was so slow while eating –,--“). I could never imagine before we would have some nick names to each other. kyaaaa >.<!

at december 2nd, we had a christmas celebration from my campus at GKPI Pamen. It ended almost at 11 p.m. my parents didn’t want to pick me up from there because it was too far from my house and too late for them to get out. okay, maybe i was mad at first but hahahahahaha >.< i was no more mad because the one who took me home was bang robert ulalalala~ :D he lent me his blazer so i wouldn’t get cold and haaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh i was totally nervous when i was on his motorbike. actually i wanna hug him but i must not do it, he wasn’t my bf. and after i had arrived at my home, i said thank you to him and smile as big as i could :D

we already had 2 datings, until the third one he asked me to be his gf >.< and finally on December 23rd, 2011 we legally in a relationship. actually it was so stupid when he asked me to be his gf hahahaha. but i didn’t care how was his way to tell it, i just knew that i was the only one in his heart. and yeah, finally he’s mine and i’m his :)

and you know, if i didn’t take his attention first and only waited for him to chased me first, i wouldn’t feel this way. he won’t be mine. whatever you wanna say, but that’s me, that’s my way. there are no rules in this world not to allow girls to take one step first. love doesn’t wanna know who is the first, but if you love someone just show it. be brave to show your feelings, as long as it’s not too over. be brave. love can be so much sweet but also can be sooooo much bitter too. so don’t ever your waste your time wondering whether he/she feel the same way or not. just take one step forward and be brave to take a chance. love it can be more hurtful if you only keep it in your heart because you’ll never know does she/he feel the same as you do.

and now, 4 months passed by and we still be together. I love him and he loves me too. sometimes we had some problems, could be caused by me and by him also. but so far, we could solve it together. problems are meant to let us know how deep and how strong is our love. like a pyramid, together we will stand like a pyramid :) i may not like other girls. i’m not as feminine as girl should be, i’m not as pretty as other girls and i’m not as best as other girls. but you ought to know, i love you. with all my heart, i’m just loving you and i just need you to be next to me. don’t ever doubt my feelings. i’ll do anything just to make you smile, to make you happy. i wish we can be together for longing. only by standing next to you, i will be okay and i can pass every single day with a big smile. you’re my only one and always be my only one. I will give you all the best of me and always try to be your best. sorry for all the harms i ever made, sorry if i ever disappoint you and made you sad, sorry if i ever made you angry, sorry for the things you don’t like from me, sorry for not listening to your words some time, sorry i ever be stubborn, sorry i was so childish, sorry sorry sorry... i didn’t mean it, i swear. and for the last word of this blog, belongs to you.  I LOVE YOU, ROBERT ARIS DWI PUTRA SIMANJUNTAK.


i like your smile
i like your vibe
i like your style
but that’s not why i love you

and i, i like the way
you’re such a star
but that’s not why i love you

hey, do you feel, do you feel me?
do you feel what i feel too?
do you need, do you need me?
do you need me?

you’re so beautiful
but that’s not why i love you
i’m not sure you know
that the reason i love you
is you, being you, just you
yeah the reason i love you
is all that we’ve been through
and that’s why i love you

i like the way you misbehave
when i am complicated
but that’s not why i love you

hey, do you feel, do you feel me?
do you feel what i feel too?
do you need, do you need me?
do you need me?

you’re so beautiful
but that’s not why i love you
i’m not sure you know
that the reason i love you
is you, being you, just you
yeah the reason i love you
is all that we’ve been through
and that’s why i love you

eventhough we didn’t make it through
i am always here for you, you

you’re so beautiful
but that’s not why i love you
i’m not sure you know
that the reason i love you
is you, being you, just you
yeah the reason i love you
is all that we’ve been through
and that’s why i love you

that’s why i love you
that’s why i love you
Avril Lavigne – I Love You




21.26 | Category: | 2 komentar

flashback :)
part two.

“well okay i don’t care what will he think about me. this is a chance for me. i don’t know if i would see him online too”. I chat him. the first sentence i typed “Haloo abang :D” waiting for his reply... my heart was beating fast, my hand sweated and i was totally nervous. minutes passed by and his reply appeared in my screen,“halo juga adeek :D”. “WOHOOOOOOOOOO” i screamed, i danced like dumb -_- hahahaha maybe you’ve known what kind of feeling that i felt at that time. and yeahh.... i replied it again, he replied it again and again and continued till midnight. I closed my laptop and went to my bed and huaaaaahhhh “i’ll have a sweet dream tonight” :D

and it happened for the following days. we always had a chat before we went to bed. I didn’t know how to describe my feelings but over all i was so DAMN MUCH happy! >.< until one time, there was 2 messages from unknown number and do you know who was that? that was bang robert. Oh my God >.<! he asked me if he could call me. of course i said he could hahaha :D and yeaaah we had 2 hours on the phone. actually, over all of our conversation, i had a bad news. he only wanted me as his sister and will never more than it :( what a superduperhyper bad news T_______________T my heart tore into pieces and i felt so down. oh Jesus, why?

the next day, i  decided to send him a message. maybe he just didn’t wanna open his heart for anyone but didn’t mean i didn’t have any chance, did i? i had to try my best, i didn’t wanna take one step behind, but i wanna take one step forward. maybe in your mind, i’m sounded like “too agresive” as a girl. I don’t blame you for what you said, but actually i’m not like that. i just can’t control myself or hide my feeling for anyone. I bet he already knew that i liked him -.- that’s one of my foolish. I knew the condition must be he chased me, not i chased him. but what could i do? kept my feeling from anyone and waited for him to like me without anything i could do? I totally couldn’t do it. how could he have a feeling for me if i just kept silent here and only looked at him from a distance? I blamed myself for what i did. I really wanna be like another girls, waited for someone they liked to chase them not like me. oooohhhhhhh neptunus -____________________-

okay back to the topic. he replied my message. I was totally glad :D yeah eventhough i already i knew that i was just only his sister :( and day passed by, i still was the one who sent message first. it was already 2 weeks maybe and no progress. i still looked at my phone and waited for his message, maybe at that night we would me sent me message first? seconds, minutes and hours passed by and nothing happened to my phone, still no new message from him appeared on my phone screen. “hmm maybe i have to give up and forget him, throw away all of my wishes that wanted to be his gf. it’s time for me to stay away from him and will never do this again to him. he is only my senior and will never more than it. he doesn’t like me and will never like me. i’m not her type and i have to realize if i still continued it, it just can make him doesn’t like me more. bye, bang robert. thanks for our 2 weeks conversation” i kept my phone and went to bed. It’s really hard for me to sleep, i still wanted to send him message but i threw that thought away and tried to control myself. I didn’t wanna make the condition worse if i continued it. i closed my eyes and tried to sleep even it was so hard, but finally i fell asleep....



continued to part three...
21.14 | Category: | 0 komentar

flashback :)
flashback. hmmm.. sounds nice :D
part one.

i wanna flashback about 6 months ago, exactly in the October 15th 2011 when i saw him at the first time. umm not at the first time actually, but at that time i i felt my heart beating fast and i can’t take my eyes off from him. am i admiring him? or i’m falling in love with him? umm no no no, it’s too fast. I don’t believe that anyone can fall in love at the first sight ._.
i don’t know how to explain, but at that time i really really can’t take my eyes off from him. he’s cool yes he is. he was mostly silent , and it made me.... curious of him hahaha. he was perfectly made me feel like didn’t wanna leave that place, didn’t want the time end. oh my.... “am i really falling in love with him?” my heart coulnd’t stop whispering that words. It was the first time for me after 3 years never felt that feeling. and i tried to calm my heart down that maybe i was just admiring him.
and the day past... the gathering day was over and we returned back to our home. and do you know what’s the first thing that i did after i’d arrived at home? i opened my laptop, connected to internet, signed in to my facebook account and i typed his name in ‘search menu’. Robert Zuntak. yeaa, that’s his name. sounds weird hahhahahah :D but i didn’t care, i just clicked the ‘add as friend’ button and waited for his accepted request.
at night...
he had already confirmed my friend request and it made me screamed “kyaaaaaaa”. is it too over? well, it’s not over for someone who is falling in love hihihi. wait..... falling in love? no no no >.< i looked to the online friends box, typed his name and HUAAAAAA he was online too. what should i do? chat him? or just acted like he was not online? chat? no? chat? no? those two words spinning around my head and i was so confused at that time. if i chat him, didn’t it be too agresive for a girl? but if i didn’t do it, i would be regret and so much regret. oh God what should i do? if i were i boy, i wouldn’t be so much confused like this. I would chat him. but the reality i was a girl. then? what should i do? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa :(:(:(:(
20.37 | Category: | 0 komentar

jealous is reasonable, isn't it?
cemburu? sirik? iri? boleh kan?
pasti dong ya, namanya manusia pasti ngerasain itu.

but in this post i don’t talk about jealous for my bf or whatever, i’m jealous with my friends.
kalian tau gak rasanya gimana, disaat temen-temen kalian bisa bepergian kemanapun, pulang jam berapapun, berteman dengan siapapun tapi orang tuanya ga ada komentar apapun, tetapi kalian malah merasakan yang sebaliknya?
well, that’s me.

I’m jealous, not a little but so much jealous, so damn much.

disaat temen-temenku bisa bepergian kemanapun, pulang jam berapapun, naik apapun, main dengan siapapun sedangkan aku gimana? aku dibatasin. aku ga boleh pulang lewat dari jam sekian, ga boleh pergi kemana-mana (itu sebabnya aku sering bohong ataupun langsung cabut pergi dari kampus), ga boleh naik kereta sama temen-temen. ga boleh ini ga boleh itu ga boleh semuaaaaa!!
sering terlintas di benakku, aku ini anak mereka apa enggak sih. kenapa semua-semua dilarang? kenapa apa yang aku suka dilarang? kenapa semua dibatasin? hey mom, dad, i’m not a kid anymore. I’m going to 19 and you still make me like a kid?!

every time i’m asking for permission to go to somewhere, what did i get? his and her anger. hahahah :D pity me. kata mereka, aku ga boleh ikut-ikut temenku, jangan mau kepengaruh jadi konsumtif, boros dlsb. padahal apa salahnya coba? bukannya mintanya sekali seminggu, skali sebulan pun enggak. tapi malah gak dikasi. entahlah bermacam-macam alasan. dan semuanya lebay sampe-sampe jadi ga masuk akal. Kalo dilawan salah, dibilang baik-baik gamau denger juga. bingung kan? hahahah itulah yang kurasakan, bingung apa penyebabnya mereka bisa segitunya pikirannya. bahkan bodohnya dibilang temen-temenku nanti lama-lama bawa aku ke narkotika karna segala sesuatunya dimulai dari kumpul-kumpul sama temen. isn’t it so much dummy? 

tapi setiap berargumen semua argumen ku salah, entah kapan benernya haaaiih -__- i wanna a bit free, i don’t ask you too much but please give me a chance. I’m a teenager and i don’t wanna waste my time by only staying in my room. bukannya yang aneh2 yang aku minta kan? Tapi kenapa susah sekali ya dapetinnya? 
tapi yasudahlah what should i do? It’s not about once or twice betrayed about this. tt’s been million times maybe. and what did i get? NOTHING.

mungkin memang harus begini kali ya. mencoba menerima ajalah, tapi entah bisa entah enggak entahlah. satu hal yang pasti, rasa kecemburuan ini pasti bakalan slalu adaa....

21.31 | Category: | 4 komentar